Chapter 22: Change
The first thing that Kagome noticed as she came to was how safe and warm she felt.
She didn’t understand why she felt so safe when she knew that the arms around her were Sesshomaru’s, but she did. She felt one of his hands rubbing her stomach as if to protect and soothe the children within her. To her, he was a monster and yet, she knew that to their daughter, he was her hero… It was like a voice constantly mocking her. Kagome knew that he would protect her life and that of their children, but could she trust him to protect her heart and soul?
Would he shatter it over and over again just as he brother had? Like he had not that long ago. He had said nothing and simply taken her body when she was in pain and fearing for the lives of their children. Sure, he stopped, but then he was probably just done using her. Her body felt like it was a poison to her soul, knowing that he had come inside her over and over, that he lusted for it with such hunger. She was the mother of his children, she would raise them and love them, but in truth… Was she really their mother? Toxic little voices whispered over and over, that he would be the one to end her life and her children’s.
She didn’t believe that for a minute.
But she did believe that his mate would move heaven and earth to be the one to bring and end to her children’s lives. Kagome knew that Sakura hated her and saw Kagome as a threat to her mating with Sesshomaru, though she had no idea why… All Sesshomaru wanted from her was her body and the children that she would birth for him. She had no doubts that her end would come birthing Sesshomaru’s children. That was no way for any woman to die, but Sesshomaru didn’t care. After all, he had her pregnant with six so soon after giving him his first daughter. He would probably let her heal after the birth and then spread her legs again, intent on fucking more children into her.
Tears came to her eyes as she thought of the little lives that she might never know and how she may never be able to protect them from the unseen dangers if she was to die. “Please don’t cry… It wounds to me to know that you are shedding tears.” His voice came as a gentle whisper in her ear.
She should have known that he was awake; after all he had been rubbing her stomach… He was always awake before she was, he was always holding her in her sleep like he was protecting her from anything and everything… Everything, but himself and his mother that was. She lied there in his arms, probably the safest place in the world and let her tears continue to flow.
“Talk with me, Kagome.” He whispered into her ear, his face nuzzling her hair. She knew that he was breathing in her scent; he seemed addicted to her scent, sometimes even getting hard from it. She refused to make a sound, let alone a word.
Why did he want to talk? They had talked countless times before, but her words, her thoughts; her hopes fell deaf to his ears. It was like he could not hear her unless it was something that he liked. She was done talking to him, done talking to anyone, but her children. She would become a doll to all, but her children. She would move and talk, she would play and sing, she would be everything… Everything only for her children. All others would find her as a doll. She would sit and be silent, she would not move, Sesshomaru could fuck her all he wanted and the physicians could do whatever they wanted to her when examining her body. She would be a doll to them and only become human when with her children.
“I wanted you.” He whispered honestly into her ear, his mouth only inches from it. “But I did not take you because I wanted you. I took you for the sake of our children, Kagome, they needed my seed.”
What was he talking about? She wanted to turn her head, but her body refused. She was already starting to become numb to his presence.
“…Mother told me that she had already explained to you that I need to give you my seed every night in a breeding session. We hadn’t been together. I do know that my mother lost children due to not being seeded enough or using other males to replace my father.” He said hoping that she would understand what he had to do, as he moved to roll her onto her back, shifting so that he loomed over her. She stared at him blankly the tears never ceased… Why did it feel like poisonous claws were slowly cutting chunks of his heart out.?
“Kagome, I…I…-” the words that he was wanted to say had turned into a lump in his throat that refused to move. It was his pride and he knew it, but he would say these forbidden words to her “-I was afraid that we would lose the children and took you, wanting only to save them.” He said as he moved to rest his head on her stomach.
His children were there, safe and growing within their mother because he had taken her body once again. He wanted to protect them and their mother, he wanted to watch them grow and be there for every part of their lives, just like he wanted Kagome to be there, smiling and loving their children. He didn’t know what he felt for Kagome…he knew it was an affection or fondness of some kind. It was different from what he felt for his mother or children; it felt almost stronger than the two. It felt like his every breath depended on her being alive and happy. The thought of her death forced the air from his lungs. It was worse that having every bit of his flesh ripped slowly from his body.
Kagome has quickly become his only weakness, and only she had the means to destroy him. His lust to conquer the world was but a small ember compared to the blasting fire that was his desire to have Kagome safe at his side. Sesshomaru felt like a fool to let a little human woman have such control over him, but she made him feel whole… Something he had never felt before she became his and the mother of his children. Kagome would probably never understand what she was to him or what their children meant to him. But then again he didn’t fully understand either. He just knew one thing with perfect clarity.
He would die for his family without a second thought… And would destroy anything that threatened them.
oOo
“That’s a good girl. I know, I know…it’s scary without mother and father isn’t?” the strange woman asked Mizuki, who’s cries had now calmed to a soft whimper. Nori walked over and took her granddaughter into her arms, happy that the baby had finally calmed down. It was surprising and worrisome that her granddaughter had such power at such a young age.
“She’s a strong one; she’ll do well in the future… I feel wounded that you would do this though, my friend.” The strange woman said, staring at the little girl in her grandmother’s arms. Nori looked away from the woman, knowing that her friend felt betrayed by her actions. “It was needed.”
“I know, Nori. You never do anything without meaning.”
“Not true! I didn’t mate my former lover with intention for his power or wealth; I just wanted to be with him. I also had no plans behind having my son beyond having him born and living a happy life with children of his own.” Nori said as she glazed down at her little moonflower, seeing that her son’s line would indeed be strong and great. With children like the one in her arms, powerful members of her line would always rule the West… It was more than any demoness could hope for. Her mind turned to the events that had played out since Kagome had come into their lives. She thought of her son’s plans, she didn’t approve or disapprove. Sesshomaru was developing a deep affection for Kagome and that worried her.
She had controlled everything from the moment that Kagome had been taken and prepared for Sesshomaru. Nori never expected to become so attachment to Kagome, or to care for the human like the daughter that she never had. Yet she did and she wanted Kagome’s happiness as well as that of her son. They could be happy with each other if only Kagome wasn’t so stubborn. Looking to her old friend, Nori thought of her friend’s mother. The human had always seemed to have a loving relationship with the Great Lord that had been her master. Her friend’s parents had been together long before they both had been born, but the two had always been the gossip of choice. Nori wondered if it was possible to break Kagome of her stubborn nature so that the two could live happily together. “How did your parents meet?”
The strange woman looked at her old friend and thought about it for a moment.
“I asked my father that very question once. He told me that he had been walking in the forest when he came upon my mother, Midoriko, as she fought against a demon. He didn’t do anything, but watched until the battle was over and the demon was dead then, he just left. It was like that a few times until the day she asked him for his name.” The strange woman said, remembering how she had sat in her father’s lap with big eyes. He had smiled and touched her green hair with gentle hands, telling her the story. How she missed him.
“He said nothing and walked away. But the next time they met, mother had been badly injured in a fight… Father thought to leave her there, but found that he couldn’t no matter how hard he tried. So he brought her to his palace, had her wounds tended to and found he was unable to move from her side until she woke up. Then he had demanded payment for his aid.”
“Payment? What did he ask for as payment?”
“He asked for her body until he found a mate…Mother had told me that if it hadn’t been for the armguards that he had placed on her, then she would have purified him where he stood.” The strange woman said until she noticed the uncomfortable look on Nori’s face. “What’s the look for?”
“Kagome likely would have done the same if not for my threats and the armguards on her.” Nori replied; thinking of the first breeding session and how Kagome had refused to let Sesshomaru breed her until the threat to that child had been made. The child was still in the palace, still intended to be used as insurance in an extreme situation if need be.
“I think all priestesses are like that in the beginning… Or at least the powerful ones are.” The strange woman giggled before holding out her arms, silently asking to hold Mizuki again. Nori handed her granddaughter over without question.
“So, since my mother refused… My father refused to let her leave the palace. No one, but my father would talk to her… She hated the isolation and finally agreed to do as he asked if he promised to actively look for a mate. He promised and let her go, with a charm that would return her to his palace at night and his bed of course. She killed demons by days and gave my father pleasure at night. But when she fell pregnant with my older brother my father took the charm away.”
“Smart thing to do.” Nori said, agreeing with the decision.
“My mother didn’t disagree and stayed to give birth… Though she worried throughout her pregnancy about what would happen when my brother was born. She had no idea that father hadn’t been looking for a mate at all!”
“He hadn’t? But if I remember right, my mother had been invited to go to the moon viewing party that was meant to find him a mate.” Nori said. Her own mother had always told her to get the attention of a high Lord and try to get him to take her as a mate since she was so powerful and beautiful.
“That was grandmother…the woman was disturbed that father had gotten a priestess with child and wanted him to ready to breed full blooded demon heirs after she killed my brother. Father had been so outraged by all the demonesses that came to that party that he almost killed his mother for it since it had been the cause of my mother going into labor early… It shocked everyone when they saw that my brother was full instead of half.”
“How is your younger brother by the way?” Nori thought of the little half demons inside of Kagome… and felt dread that they would die at birth.
“Goro is well… hard to believe at days that my mother had nineteen sons and one daughter, and that only one out of that twenty was a half-demon.”
oOo
“Sesshomaru?” Kagome said softly, the first time that whole day. Sesshomaru looked away from the fire he’d been staring into to meet her gaze, telling her in his own way that she had his full attention. “I can’t live like this anymore.”
“That tells me nothing, Kagome… How can I heal or fix something when I don’t know what’s wrong?” He said to her. He needed to do something, anything! He refused to let her go and he refused to have her unhappy. She was of great importance to him and yet her soul seemed to be dying. The fire inside her was dying and he didn’t want that to continue at all.
“I don’t want to be caged anymore and I don’t want to have someone follow me everywhere I go.” She said softly, she didn’t want to become a doll. She wanted to be human, to keep her soul and be herself. It was a pipe dream, though and would never be a reality. She would only be able to be human around her children; she would forever be a doll to all others. Tears would have flowed down her cheeks again, but a doll could not cry.
Sesshomaru stared at her for the longest time, the sounds of the outside world dulling until they seemed to disappear all together. Truth was, he didn’t want to say what he was about to, but to keep Kagome, and it seemed that he didn’t have a choice. “Then we will have to change that Kagome.”
He really hadn’t wanted to say those words, but the disbelief and the hope that shined in her ocean blue eyes made him see that it was the right thing to do and say. With the look she pinned him with, he’d have no choice but to keep his word. He had been breaking her and didn’t know it; this was the way to help those breaks heal. Is this what his mother had meant before? Looking at her, he felt so confused by everything. He had been holding her in his arms and she had been breaking. He held her tighter with each new break, but that had only been making it worse. He needed to let her go so that she could heal again.
Pain hit him over and over as he thought of the pain that she had felt because of him. He had to make it right for her.
“How?” the pain and fear in her voice wounded him all the more because he knew that he was the cause. He stood up and went to the bed, to sit at her side. He touched her cheek softly, thinking of how to change their lives. He wasn’t giving her up, but he was going to make her happy.
“I don’t know…but I think that being honest will help us. We will start with talking about our…feelings and take it from there; we’ll take everything slowly until we have the answer, Kagome.” He said, seeing the hope in her eyes shine even brighter. He felt ever more the monster for it.