Chapter 29: Confusion
The night sky was dark and cold, the stars were dim to his golden eyes instead of a blaze of brilliance as they had always been. Sesshomaru stared at the sky in the garden, Mizuki long asleep in his arms, secure and warm as he held her against his chest.
Sesshomaru held her all the tighter as he felt the uncertainty of tomorrow close in all them. Turning his gaze downward, Sesshomaru found his eldest child superior to any night sky he had ever seen in his thousand years of life. How had he created something so beautiful? He felt unworthy of her, her siblings and their mother. He was unworthy of them all, even though they were the greatest treasures he had ever been given.
Yet, he was not held as the same by Kagome and that hurt more than he ever thought it would. He knew that she was hurt by his past deeds and words, but he had hoped that their truce had allowed her to develop something towards him.
But no, his brother was still all she wanted even if she wasn’t willing to admit it to him.
It burned in him that the one he loved still love his brother…his weak and useless brother. How he longed to tell Kagome that he had broken the one she loved and that his brother was now useless.
Or that would be the case if Kagome was a demon. But she was a human and wouldn’t abandon Inuyasha as easily as that for another protector. No, knowing Kagome as he knew her; she would stand beside Inuyasha and instead being protect by his brother would become his brother’s protector.
Sitting down on the grass, Sesshomaru stared at his little moonlight and wondered if Kagome longed for their daughter to be his brother’s instead of his. A sharp pain pierced his chest again at the thought. He knew that another open wound had been sliced across his heart at the thought, but he could not help but imagine Kagome in a loving relationship with his brother with Mizuki as his brother’s child.
It was so painful to know that his brother would have gained what he had longed for. Sesshomaru realized how much of a fool he had been in the past. He should have courted her all those wasted years ago, he should have made her long for him and his touch but he had been a fool; afraid of becoming his father, he had his mother arrange a mating that had been nothing but a misery to him.
He noticed water suddenly dropping on Mizuki’s face and looked up in confusion to why there would be rain when there was not a cloud in the night sky.
It was only more fell upon his daughter’s face, awaking her from her sound sleep to look up him. When she touched his face, he realized what the water was and was shocked by it.
Tears.
He was shedding tears, something that he had not done since he had been an infant in his mother’s arms. Disgust lurched in his gut for the weakness that he found in his tears. When Rin had died a second time, he had cried because he had been blinded by the desire to have power and it had cost someone he cared for deeply because he had been so blind. He had been such a child chasing after a firefly, a dream that wasn’t real.
But Sesshomaru wasn’t going to be a child anymore and he wasn’t going to cry about this anymore. He was just going to have to change everything.
oOo
Hotaka stared at Sesshomaru, unsure of what to the boy in front of him. For that was what Sesshomaru is to him, a boy that was thrust into a role that he had not been ready for at too young an age. It was not an uncommon thing in their world of blood and violence for a child to be forced to take on a role that they were not ready for. It was something that he had always disliked about their and the humans’ society.
“My brothers-within-the-law will give you aid if I agree, to which I have but you know that we will not be enough against the great lords.”
“I know, my army is not what it was during my father’s time.” Sesshomaru informed.
Hotaka continued to stare at Sesshomaru before grabbing up the sake between them. Pouring them both a cup, Hotaka muled over what to say to the boy in front of him.
He was so cold and emotionless before him as if Sesshomaru’s emotions were drained out of him years ago but Hotaka knew that not to be true. A demon turned cold by life and fate could not put the lives of his children above his own. Beside, he knew Nori and knew that the demoness would never raise her only living child to be a cold bastard.
All that Nori had ever wanted was her son’s happiness and that was something that Hotaka could respect.
“You know I can’t stand your mother, even if she is a vixen in bed.” Hotaka stated. “But I have always respected her for her strength and character.”
He couldn’t help but think of the times he, Rie and Nori had gone to bed together over the years since her mate’s death. Where his wife would submit to him in a moment, Nori was forever challenging him and Rie even when all she was doing was sitting near their futon, and drinking teas as she watch them mate. It was something that both he, and Rie enjoyed when they were in the human realms.
He could see the same defiance and challenge in the golden gaze of Nori’s son.
“Then that make only one of us.” Sesshomaru said before drinking his sake. Hotaka drained his cup of sake in only a moment before pouring himself more.
“Don’t be hard on her. She is a mother before she is a grandmother and your safety as well as your happiness is all that she lives for. It has been this way since the day you were born alive.”
Sesshomaru said nothing and simply stared at him, like he didn’t understand what he was being told.
It would not have surprised the older demon if that were the case. “Your mother hides too many things from you. It was fine when you were a child but start acting like a grown male already, boy.”
Sesshomaru glared at Hotaka, reminding the older demon of Sesshomaru’s father. It had been a sad day when the Great Dog demon himself had arrived in the land of hell but he knew that it was something that would happen to all life…after all, being immortal was quite boring to those that had been around for a very long time.
“I am no boy and you seem to have forgotten that I am a father before I am a son.”
“It’s not easy being a father is it? I have been a father a long time and it’s never been an easy job but it’s been the most rewarding that I have ever had.” Hotaka murmured before draining his cup of sake again. “It’s no easier being a mother either. In fact, it probably even harder being a mother since females have to carry their children inside them, creating a bond with them from within before letting them go to explore the world.”
“I thought this was a talk about allies and not about my mother or being a parent.” Sesshomaru growled at Hotaka, who laughed at the show of hostility. The boy clearly thought himself a threat to the older demon before him but Hotaka knew that Sesshomaru would not win in a fight against him.
He was two thousand years old, where Sesshomaru was barely three hundred and fifty five. Strong as Sesshomaru was, Hotaka knew he would win in the end since he was older, stronger and had his mate at his back.
“This is but you’re still young, not ever 500 years old yet. Your cousin is and he’s just starting to think of having children.”
“My cousin is the ruler of hell and I am one of the great lords of the human realm, you forget that that makes our worlds, and lives very different.” Sesshomaru informed.
Hotaka sighed at Sesshomaru’s behavior, seeing clear as day that the boy in front of him had been isolated by his duties and responsibility that made it hard for the boy to see the allies that were there waiting to give aid when asked. “I have talked with your cousin, he is more than willing to give aid to you in this.”
Sesshomaru stared at Hotaka and he was not surprised that the boy did so. “Why? He’s the ruler of hell, he cannot play favorites between the lords like this.”
“He is not playing favorites, he has announced to his council and the courts that he will side with family and believes you to be the rightful ruler of the human realms.”
oOo
“Shhh sweetheart…there we go, there we go.” Kagome whispered as she helped her son to latch on and nurse from her. He was the spitting image of his father with silver hair and golden eyes yet she felt the same love that she felt for all her other children.
Humming, she stroked his tiny fist as it held onto her hair. Glancing over to her other children, Kagome felt such pride at seeing them all healthy and safe. But she couldn’t help wondering where was Sesshomaru? He hadn’t come to see their children since their last conversation. She still didn’t quite understand what had happened and it made her nervous.
Why had there been such hurt in his expression? There was only one thing that came to mind about what she had said that might have been harmful to Sesshomaru but why that would hurt him made no sense to her. He cared for her a little, she knew but that was all.
It wasn’t as if he loved her like Inuyasha did…after all, Sesshomaru only kept her for the purpose of having children.
“Kagome.”
Kagome turned her gaze to the doors to see Sesshomaru standing there in the doorway. The look in his eyes whispered of quiet joy made her look back down at the baby boy that she held in her arms as she had him nursing from her.
It was powerful for her too, to hold the little life that she had carried for so long and to felt her body still giving to that little life. “Come in, please.”
She didn’t look up, didn’t want to look away from the baby that was falling asleep at her breast but Sesshomaru’s gentle touch upon her hair commanded her to look at him. So she did; she looked right into his eyes and wondered what he was going to do.
“What should we name this little one?” he asked softly as he gently touched their son’s face with a finger.
Kagome had wondered the same for days and yet, nothing came to mind that she felt fit with her little boy…it had been different with Hajime and Kiyomi where it just felt right with them. She wanted all her children to have names that just fit them and yet, all the names that she could think of just didn’t fit the baby in her arms or the ones sleeping beside her. “No clue, I can’t seem to come up with a name that fits him or the others.”
Sesshomaru held his hands out, clearly wanting to take their son into his arms. She helped her sleeping son to unlatch from her breast and handed him over to his father without a second thought. Kagome knew that her son would be safe with his father and that Sesshomaru could always be trusted with their children.
“Another good strong boy…he’ll have all the ladies yearning for him when he’s grown.” He muttered as he looked his son over in his arms.
“And all the men will be after everyone of the girls.” Kagome joked softly.
But still Sesshomaru’s head snapped up and blood red replaced the gold in his eyes for just a moment as he stared at her. Kagome couldn’t help but smile, the father of her children did not like the idea of men going after his daughters at all. It was heartening that he was just a regular dad in that way.
“Is he the youngest of our sons?”
“No, but he’s been the most quiet of the boys…Hajime and the other are demanding little things.” Kagome answered as she turned to look lovingly at their other boys. Hajime was the spitting image of his older sister, Mizuki with their father’s silver hair but having her ocean blue eyes and her features. It made her wonder if he would be considered pretty in a feminine light or be mistaken for a woman like his father for it.
She really couldn’t stop the big grin that split across her face at that first meeting with Sesshomaru. She had thought a beautiful woman dressed in men’s clothes that been sitting on the ogre’s shoulder until she had learned the woman was a man.
“What has you smiling so, Kagome?” Sesshomaru asked her all of a sudden.
She glanced at him and couldn’t decide if she should be honest with him or not. But it was that curious yet innocent look that she had never seen before in his eyes that told her that she should be honest with him. Sesshomaru truly seemed to want to build a better relationship with her. She didn’t know if it would work in the end or if it was what she wanted but she had made the resolve to be stronger like her mother had been.
“I was just thinking of whether Hajime will be seen as pretty in a feminine light or if he will end up like you.”
“Like me?”
“…I thought you were a woman, the first time that we met.” She looked away as she told him since she didn’t know what his reaction would be to her words.
The room was silence for a moment as if all sound had been sucked out of it. She became scared to look at Sesshomaru as the silence drag on. But then it was broken by the feel of lips against her cheek, which drew her gaze to Sesshomaru’s amused one.
“I like Akihiro for this little warrior.” He whispered into her ear before handing her back their son.
Kagome looked at the baby in her arms and thought about the name that Sesshomaru offered her to consider for their son. Akihiro would definitely fit their bright little prince and was quick to voice her approval of the name for their son.
Sesshomaru went their other children, picking up their second son when he reach them. A big smile spread across his face and Kagome felt a blush spread across her face at the sight of it. Hate him for what he had done to her, she did but when he smiled like that at their child…he almost didn’t seem like the monster that she believed him to be.
She felt so confused on her own emotions towards the monster that had raped her for so long. What was she meant to feel towards him? Hate, friendship? She don’t know and just decided to push it all down deep inside of her for the moment, knowing that Sesshomaru would always protect her and their children. She just needed to remember that and think of nothing else until the war that was coming was over and gone.
She would figure everything else after when her children were safe from all harm.
“Kagome? Kagome, are you alright?” Sesshomaru questioned her all of a sudden with a look of concern on his face.
“Yes, why are you asking?”
“I have been talking to you for a last few minutes but you didn’t answer me.” Kagome frowned at his words and felt stupid for not responding to him when he had been talking to her.
“I’m sorry, I just got lost in my head. I was thinking of names for this little boy.” She lied and smiled at the baby that was now awake in his father’s arms.
He looked just like her with black hair and blue eyes but was otherwise a baby version of Sesshomaru. Nori had burst into tears at the sight of Akihiro and the black haired son. The demoness had instantly on and on about baby stories about Sesshomaru afterwards as well as been sure to warn Kagome about a bad habit that Sesshomaru had had as a baby that Kagome prayed her own son would not inherit for their father.
“What names do you like for him?”
“To be honest, Sesshomaru…I can’t think of any that I like for him. I thought of naming him after my brother but Sota just doesn’t fit him and Inuyasha Jr most definitely does not.”
“Not funny.”
“What do you think would suit him then? Since you have already two of our children already, maybe you should name the first of them.” Kagome asked Sesshomaru.
He looked down at their son and gently touch the baby’s hair before Sesshomaru brought him up close to his face to what Kagome could only assume to breathe in their son’s scent. Something that Sesshomaru hadn’t done with their other children.
“Eiji is his name.” Sesshomaru said with such pride that Kagome felt it fit their son as well, even though she felt it hadn’t been right for him before.
“Then there’s just the our baby girl left.”
Sesshomaru stared at their last little girl for a long time as if he couldn’t decide what their youngest daughter and child should be named. She would have been Eiji’s twin if she didn’t have her father’s golden gaze and was a girl. “Emiko should be her name.”
“Why Emiko?” It was a pretty name but Kagome wasn’t sure if it quite fit their baby daughter though.
“She’s so beautiful like her mother…her name should reflect that, Kagome. I want the world to know that the most beautiful little girl is from the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen.”