Chapter 34: Where did things go wrong?
She didn’t know why she had let him hold her in sleep but she found it hard to sleep now without him. She didn’t like that she couldn’t sleep without his arms around her or him being near her. It was if as her body had been trained to only feel safe when he was there with her.
Yet for longest time it had felt like he was both her enemy as well as her ally. He had once been her ally and friend before all this began but that felt so long ago now.
Only two years but it felt like a lifetime instead.
She stared out at her oldest play on the grass, she wondered if her daughter would end up like her. Once so innocent and happy with life but then suddenly poisoned by the hands of others.
“You’re lost again.” Sesshomaru whispered at her side.
She turned her head to look at him, seeing that he was at her side and looking at her with concern in his golden eyes. She knew that he wanted her to say something to him, to say anything to him since she hadn’t been talking to anyone since their last fight.
“I don’t want you hurt, Sesshomaru. I want us to understand each other and for this hurt to stop.”
He had stared at her for the longest time after she had said that to him and then he left her alone for the rest of the night. He hadn’t slept beside her since, and she would have been so happy before but sleep wouldn’t come to her. It evaded her, keeping her on the edge and allowing her to see unnatural things.
Gods, she feared for her mind.
“Where did you go, Kagome?” He whispered into her ear.
It was when she felt a tug on her hair that Kagome noticed Sesshomaru was holding his little clone, Akihiro. Her son stared at her with such bright eyes like she was the most amazing thing in the world. She smiled at her son and knew that she needed to talk with Sesshomaru.
It was the only way she would stay sane and her children needed her to be so for their sakes. She had promised herself, and her children that she would be stronger like her mother after all. “Nowhere…just lost in thought.”
“You have been becoming lost in thought quite often lately.” He commented softly.
“There’s been a lot to think about, Sesshomaru and there’s a lot that needs to be prepared before we go.”
She knew that he hoped that she would stay behind and continue to watch over their children but Kagome knew that she couldn’t do that. She needed to go and stop the threat to her babies herself. But that meant that they needed to find someone to keep their children safe until they returned to them.
“We need to get someone to protect them…maybe my friends could do it.”
“Agreed and I do not think it is wise to ask your friends to take care of our children while we are gone.”
“Why?”
Kagome knew that Sango and Miroku would be more than willing to take care of their children if not then they would join their fight in a show of friendship as well as support of her. It would be good to see them too. Sango would be there to be a shoulder to cry on and Miroku would give her sage advice that made her feel better about the problems that she showed in her life.
“I do not want Inuyasha around our children.” He told her calmly.
But she had seen the flash of red that had been in his eyes for just a moment yet showed no other sign that he was otherwise displeased. Kagome knew that he was very good at hiding things and feelings had always been one of those things.
“What are you hiding from me?”
“Things of an unpleasant nature.”
It was clear that he was not going to be difficult about it. “Why is it that we can never have a conversation together?”
“We are having one now though.”
“It is more like a one-sided conversation, Sesshomaru.” She informed him. “And I want more than just one-sided conversations but then I already told you that I want more than that. That I want us to understand each other.”
He was quiet at that. But then she had expected that; after all they couldn’t have a normal conversation.
He was always hiding things from her; never telling her everything and just treating her like a thing altogether as if that was what was best for her. He didn’t want to treat her like she was a real person like others did. What would it take for him to remember that she was a warrior in her own right and a person that deserved respect?
“Kagome-”
“It’s fine, Sesshomaru…I have clearly been expecting too much from you.”
She tried to move away from him but he grabbed her arm gently. She felt how his hand trembled on her arm as if he was afraid losing her but then hadn’t he told her something to that effect when she had last talked with him? He would rather cut off his arm than lose her but he had never had her to begin with.
She was just a thing that he stole.
“No, I wish to meet your expectations of me, Kagome. I want us to build a life together with our children.”
“You’re lying to me, Sess-”
“No, I’m not lying to you. I’m just not telling you things when the timings would be poor for it; we have our family to think of first and the unpleasant things must come second.”
“Then tell me who do we leave our children with?” Kagome demanded of him.
She felt such confusion and frustration with Sesshomaru. She still saw him both as her enemy and her ally that just made her feel as though everything would fall apart at some point. Kagome just hope that she could move pass it in time.
“My mother.”
oOo
Sesshomaru watched Kagome for a reaction to his words for he knew that she would not be happy about his answer. But there was no reaction of any kind; Kagome just stared at him before she spoke one word.
“No.”
“Why?”
“You know why…you told me why so no.” Kagome informed him as if it was the last word that would be said.
It was rather odd but then she had not been speaking to him much the last few days…she really has not been talking to him at all or anyone. It was as if her voice had been stripped from her and he knew that it was his fault that it had been stripped of her.
He should have said something to her, had wanted to say something to her but he had been so touched by her words that he had found himself incapable of speech. He left because he knew that if he did not then he would have taken her right then and there with their son at her breast. So he had left without saying a word to her.
But that now looked to be the wrong decision for she refused to talk with him after. He wanted her and he wanted them to build a life together so he respected her desires. Yet now that had fire that threatened to burn everything that he had worked towards with Kagome.
It felt like a hopeless endeavor as time continued to go by.
“Then what do you think we should do?” He asked.
She was quiet at his question and he so hated it. But he watched her as she watched Mizuki running around the garden.
He turned to look at their daughter; to see the happy excitement of exploring another part of her world, confident that she was safe away from her parents. He hoped to give that confidence to all their children as time when by. He wanted them all to be happy and safe to explore what their world would offer them as they grew older.
“We have new allies, don’t we? Why don’t we ask for help?”
“We do not know what they gain from fighting with us. I am going to use them but I do not want to leave our children in their care.”
“You’re being paranoid, Sesshomaru. Allies can become friends or enemies; it all depends on how you treat them.”
“Would you put our children at risk, though? Because that would be what we would be doing.” He had not meant for his words to sound so harsh but he knew even to his own ears that they had been just that. They had been harsh but that did not make them any less true either.
She questioned him though. “Then what do we do?You refuse to allow my friends and the allies that we have, I refuse to allow you to have your mother around our children so what do we do, Sesshomaru?”
I won’t stay behind either. It was implied but then what would they do? Their children came first but they would both go to the battlefield together. So that was the question that they faced, what do they do to save their children?
“We could hide them…”
“But I would have to stay with them?” She asked with a smirk.
“Yes…” The word stabbed at him for it was a great show of trust that he was giving her. But he knew not if she would leave him alone in the world by taking their children as he fought for their family on the battlefield.
Silence filled the air once more and he watched Mizuki as it gripped him. The silence clung to his clothes and tugged on him, trying to bring him down with the fear that filled his mind. He could not lose his daughter; he could not lose any of his children. It would be less painful if he stabbed himself in the heart with Bakusaiga than to lose even one child.
All of them were his life.
“We’ll save it as a last resort then, Sesshomaru…how long do we have until we go to war?”
“A few weeks. The allies from Hell and around the realm will be here in a few days and then we will begin to strategize what will be our best course of action.”
It was good that he was sitting down because the relief he felt at her words was so profound that he knew he would have fallen to his knees with it.
“Then we have a few weeks to make sure that our children are safe and the enemy is dead.” She said before looking down at their son.
He touched Akihiro’s cheek, drawing his son’s golden gaze to him. The curiosity and wonder in that gaze made him wonder if he had been the same once as a child. He longed to make sure that that curiosity, and wonder forever remained in his son’s eyes; in all his children’s eyes.
“I wonder what they will grow up to be like.” He whispered.
“Mizuki is going to be just like her father.”
His head snapped up at her words and wondered what she had meant by that. “How so?”
“She’ll wander the world, seeing all that it has to hold and carrying probably nothing but a sword. She’ll help others when she can and will almost never visit because she’ll love every moment she is away.”
There was a dreamy smile as Kagome told him of their daughter’s future. He did not know what to think of the future that she picture but it make him feel content to know that Kagome felt their daughter would be like him. It also filled him with pride that Kagome looked upon him in such a favorable light like that.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For seeing me so.”
“You were once a good person, Sesshomaru. That may not be the case anymore but I can hope that Mizuki will become the person you once were.”
oOo
“…RIE! WHY AM I LOOK AT A SHADOW!?” Hotaka demanded in outrage as he stared at a shadow being waiting in their bedchamber for him.
He slammed the door, hoping that it was just his mind playing tricks on him from having too much sex with his mate. Opening the door once more to see the shadow being still there, he slammed the door shut again before opening it once. He could not help but slam his head into the frame at the sight of the being still there.
“What are you shouting about now, Hotaka? I was talking with the boys just now.”
He didn’t even look at his mate as he kept his face firmly against the frame of the door; he just pointed at the being in their chamber. It had been sitting on their bed, waiting for them to find it.
The sigh told him that his mate was in the chamber looking at the thing and likely thinking him a child for how he was reacting to the wretched thing. He would have to have demand a new bedchamber for them after having that thing in there.
“No, we are not getting new bed chambers because you insist on acting like a child about this.”
“I refuse to sleep within these chambers…why have I not smelt it before now?” He demanded of her.
“That would be because of Setsuna having found ways of ridding a corpse the smell of death.” It had sounded like Nori’s voice but he knew that it had come from the shadow.
“NO TALKING!” He roared at it.
It was then that Rie was suddenly at his side and pulling his ear hard to force him away from the frame. But he just ripped the wooden frame apart and kept the frame firmly affixed to his eyes. He refused to look on the wretched thing once more.
“When are you going to grow out of this childish fear of them?” Rie questioned with a sigh.
“Why are you so mean to me? I do not want to look at that thing or be anywhere near it…why are you only sweet to our children? Show a little love to your mate, why don’t you?”
“Because our kids grew out of this years ago but their father has not…grow up, Hotaka or no sex until we return to hell.” She warned.
But she had no idea of what her words brought to mind with him.
Taking the frame away from his eyes and keeping them shut, he was quick to grab his mate. It was odd that she did not struggle in his arms as she normally would but didn’t think much more on it as he ran through the halls, and away from the shadow being.
It was only when they were at the palace gates that he opened his eyes.
He puked the moment that he did.
oOo
Rie slowly followed Hotaka from behind, will aware that his mate was thinking he had her in his arms. She was going to enjoy his reaction when he saw that was not the case.
He had always been big and strong male but he had never been able to handle being around shadows. He refused to be around them or to even look at pictures of them for any reason at all. It had been that way since before their mating, and was one of the reasons that she had found him unsuitable.
She was quite happy though that he had forced her to mate him all those centuries ago. She loved her life with him, having no desire to ever have it change.
When they reached the gates’, Rie was not surprised to see Hotaka throw up at the sight of shadow that he held in his arms. He threw up all over it and she was not surprised when he let go and fled the scene all together. It was then that she walked over.
“You sent a shadow on purpose then?”
“No, but scaring and making the hell lord feel disgusted was a bonus. Anyway, my friend…this shadow cannot communicate over long distance so this is a recorded message.” The shadow informed her.
“I figured.”
“As I assumed you would…we really do know each other too well, don’t you think? But anyway, Setsuna has agreed to be a spy as I will be as well for the coming war. We will from now on be sending a shadow to you when we find anything of use to you.”
She stood there, staring at the shadow and found herself asking before she could stop herself. “Why would you bring harm down on a human, Nori? We were such good friends…have we really grow apart like this?”